There is an old Yiddish expression, make a plan and God laughs. As a child and up through my early adult years I had a plan of being an electrical engineer. As far back as I can remember I was fascinated with electronic circuits and technology. I wanted to know how television sets and radios worked. In college, I had visions of working for high tech companies like IBM and HP. I wanted to be the person responsible for patenting the next big thing that everybody uses.
As far back as i can remember I had anxiety and depression. I walked around afraid of literally everything and everybody. The constant knot in my stomach was pure torture. I HATED how I felt. I tried to get help for myself, I saw dozens of therapists and went on several prescription medications. Nothing helped. I so desperately wanted to be free of my anxiety; I could see no other solution other than death. So I walked around with a death wish wanting to make my ending look more like a tragedy rather than a pllanned suicide. I was a master at doing the stupid things to put me in harm's way
For as much as I wanted to die, for some reason, so many people would come to me and talk to me about their problems and pain. Ironically it was ME who was talking others out of suicide.
When I was in my sophomore year of college I was scheduled to start my first term of engineering courses. I failed all of them. My childhood plan was over and even more impactful to me is that I felt that my life was over. Devistated, I had to pick another career path, but did not know what to choose. I remember going through the course catalogue of majors offered at Michigan State University. I was starting to panic when I was getting close to the end of the list and had not picked anything. I then read the word"PSYCHOLOGY' and somethig inside of me clicked. I began to reflect on my life remembering how people thanked me for talking to them in their time of need, and how I profoundly helped them. I reflected on how despite the fact that I was anxious around people, I always felt a deep love and connection towards others.