As human beings we are taught that we have an identity. We have to make plans on what we are going to do with our lives and set goals. We have very real lives that need very real attention. We then get caught up in knowing where we are heading, predicting our futures and making all kinds of plans based off of our calculations. Things better go as planned, or we can have good reason to become angry, scared and depressed or all of the above.
After 56 years of my life I am starting to see is the truth of my life. The truth is I DON’T know. I have no answers. I can say with a great deal of certainty that I am relaxing into something that I can’t define with words. I am relaxing into something that has no existence outside of me and yet is not separate from me in any way. It is a realization and a growing comfort of settling into something that cannot be defined, quantified, or contacted through human senses. It seems to defy logic and cannot be comprehended by my puny intellect.
At the outset of this journey I would experience a great deal of fear and anger. Really?? NOT knowing??? You’ve got to be kidding me. Lots of fear comes up around this idea because as functional human beings we are not supposed to not know. The truth is, I don’t know who I am. The truth is I don’t know exactly where I am going. The truth is I am not absolutely in control of my life. These are and can be very scary propositions, hard pills for human beings to swallow. All I can really say is that I can fight these ideas all I want, get as angry as humanly possible, and it never really changes anything. All it does is leave me angry and afraid. Exhausted and hung out to dry, never moving off some imaginary starting line, I would continue to fight over and over again only to end up in the same place. I was on a spiritual treadmill that leads to nowhere.
And yet when I actually ALLOW myself to experience the possibility that I in fact don’t know who I am, that I don’t need to control every aspect of my life, that there is nothing I need to defend myself, either for or against anyone or anything, something begins to open up inside me. Instead of fighting, I can begin to relax. My struggle against my not knowing-ness allowed me to see that the struggle itself was painful and allowed me to finally relinquish the fight. The analogy is how long do you beat your head into the wall before you finally realize that it hurts and you don’t want to do that anymore.
I am not saying that goals are wasteful, or that it is wrong to try to accomplish things in your life that you want to achieve. I am suggesting that if you can allow yourself to not know or need to control every microscopic detail of your life, it could be a good start. Detours in plans are often what make life interesting and exciting. Being flexible can be fun. Are there things about you that you don’t understand? If so, and I am sure there are, be open to the idea that you don’t know everything about yourself. Allow yourself to be open to the idea that you don’t know every fact about what you see happening in life. Take a moment to let yourself realize that things are often not what they appear to be. Allow yourself the possibility that you might be wrong about something you think you know. All of these ideas will permit you to settle into the idea that it is possible to live your life without struggle. See what happens when you no longer have to fight with everything that gets presented to you. You will be pleasantly surprised.
©2018 Michael S. Morris, MA LLP